Ambition and Failure

I had a little too much time for reflection today. Sometimes that's a blessing, at least my brain assures me it is.  Sometimes, however, that means sitting in my car, praying about the past and future and sobbing hysterically.  Most days not, don't get me wrong.  I don't think of myself as emotionally unstable, but I'm not immune to the pain that is life.  I'm not a pessimist; life is sometimes equal parts of indescribable overwhelming joy, but sometimes it is pain.  

Today, I was in the midst of reading a book for a friend, and I took a break and lay listening to the rain as it pattered loudly upon the roof.  A feeling of peace passed my consciousness only moments before what would be a low point of the day.  In a moment of self reflection, I thought, here lies someone who used to not try at anything for fear that she might not add up.  Well, now she knows. She doesn't add up at all. She is a complete failure.  

I was thinking particularly about writing and self publishing when this thought crossed my mind, and of course it was only moments later when I compared myself to my rather successful husband.  He tries, and he does just fine.  I try, and I get nowhere.  These were my thoughts, and I can assure you, there is some truth to them. The good news is that the low point passed, and a much kinder voice entered my consciousness only seconds later.  

It was like a soft whisper, whether it was from God himself or my own voice assuring me of his truth, I can't be sure, but it was truth; that's what's important.  It said, you are not a failure because I love you.  Now, of course, I can see my life less obtusely, and look at areas I have not failed.  

I haven't failed altogether as a mother.  There are failures on the path, but as a whole, things have gone fairly well.  I love and care for my children deeply, and I consider them my most cherished responsibility.  As a wife, the same applies.  That's not been perfect, naturally nothing is, but I've been devoted in allowing my path to intertwine with my husband's even though I haven't always been happy with where that path has taken me.  Most significantly, it's taken me away from my extended family, making lasting relationships with them significantly more challenging.  Should I say that am a failure altogether because I haven't succeeded in this one endeavor?  I had a dream, to become a successful author.  Maybe I need to redefine what success looks like in my life, I've concluded.  If you're like me, you sometimes think in these kinds of narrow terms too.  If you do, maybe you also need to redefine what success looks like in your life.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Let me know.   

Welcome to A Bit Bookish

The photo may be misleading. Yes, this is meant to be a blog about books, but looking at books doesn't inspire me to write books, living life does.  This is a lovely, fog filled photo of my very own street.  I live in a pretty town, but I think I forget that sometimes.  I originally came from California, and at least in my hometown, even the highway is beautiful; with enormous trees and mountains on all sides, there's inspiration everywhere.  But these days, I feel that I don't need to wait for an inspiration view to write. The inspiration is inside me.  The reality is, I spend much of my life in isolation. I have ideas and sentiments like anyone else, but rarely do I have a chance to express them.  I could write a diary, but the mere idea that someone might want to view this little window into my own thoughts makes me feel a little less lonely.  Welcome to the view.  I hope to find something beautiful, inspirational or even just pleasant to ponder over.  I'm looking forward to sharing with you and getting to know you better.  -Stacy